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#71 Loads of Laughs

Posted by daffyd on 15 August 2017 - 02:08 PM

A MAN WALKED INTO A SUPERMARKET WITH HIS ZIPPER DOWN. A LADY CASHIER WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID, 'YOUR BARRACKS DOOR IS OPEN'. NOT A PHRASE THAT MEN NORMALLY USE, HE WENT ON HIS WAY LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED.

WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE SHOPPING, A MAN CAME UP AND SAID, 'YOUR FLY IS OPEN.' HE ZIPPED UP AND FINISHED HIS SHOPPING.

AT THE CHECKOUT, HE INTENTIONALLY GOT IN THE LINE WHERE THE LADY WAS THAT TOLD HIM ABOUT HIS 'BARRACKS DOOR.' HE WAS PLANNING TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH HER, SO WHEN HE REACHED THE COUNTER HE SAID, 'WHEN YOU SAW MY BARRACKS DOOR OPEN, DID YOU SEE A MARINE STANDING IN THERE AT ATTENTION?'

THE LADY (NATURALLY SMARTER THAN THE MAN) THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT AND SAID, 'NO, NO I DIDN'T. ALL I SAW WAS A SHORT, DISABLED VETERAN SITTING ON A COUPLE OF OLD DUFFEL BAGS'.

 


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#75 Loads of Laughs

Posted by daffyd on 15 August 2017 - 02:20 PM

Ooooooh, Oooooh, I was having terrible trouble with wind..... oooooh!
I went to the doctor and told him I was having trouble with this persistent wind......
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He gave me a Kite.............. embarrassed.png
 


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#238 Loads of Laughs

Posted by daffyd on 10 May 2018 - 01:35 PM

 A Snoring Solution
 

 The guys were all at a hunting camp.
 No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
 
 They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
 The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning  with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
 They said, "Man, what happened to you?
 He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
 The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
 They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
 He said, "Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
 
The third night was Fred's turn.
 Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" 
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.  I went over and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed
 him good night.
 
 Bob sat up and watched me all night."
 .............................. ............................

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#84 Loads of Laughs

Posted by daffyd on 23 August 2017 - 02:19 PM

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old
lazy fart."

"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"
_________________

 


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#83 Loads of Laughs

Posted by daffyd on 23 August 2017 - 02:15 PM

Only in Texas mah friend...only in Texas..... allegedly.

DEPUTY SHERIFF VS NEW YORK LAWYER

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff*s deputy. He
thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from
New York and is certain that he has a better education th a n any cop
from Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at
the Texas deputy*s expense.
The deputy says, *License and registration, please.*
*What for?* says the lawyer.
The deputy says, *You didn*t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.*
Then the lawyer says, *I slowed down, and no one was coming.*
*You still didn*t come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and
registration, please.*
The lawyer says, *What*s the difference?*
*The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that*s the law .
License and registration, please!* the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, *If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I*ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the
ticket. If not, you let me go and don*t give me the ticket.*
*That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,* the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the daylights out of the lawyer and says, *Do you want me to stop, or
just slow down?*

 


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#82 Loads of Laughs

Posted by daffyd on 23 August 2017 - 02:12 PM

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car saleroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.' I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly gent as he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph.

Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.



 


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#74 Loads of Laughs

Posted by daffyd on 15 August 2017 - 02:18 PM

I'm after passing this on to yus, because it recently worked for me and we could all use a little more calm and understanding in our lives..... do you think?
By following this simple advice I, meself, have found dat inner peace.....
To find dat inner peace..... finish all the tings dat you have started, simple isn't it?

So I looked around my house to see the things I had started but had not finished and before coming on here this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bodle of shhhhard-on-hey, a bidle of Bailey's, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha 'mainder of a battle of prozac ind volume, tha res of tha Chesskace, and a chox of boclates..........

Yu haf ni idear who..... (hic)..... gud I feel
 


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#73 Loads of Laughs

Posted by daffyd on 15 August 2017 - 02:13 PM

MEDICARE COVERAGE

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.

When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a
biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well.

We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly,
either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs.
Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive
tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't
sleep with him.'


 


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#72 Loads of Laughs

Posted by daffyd on 15 August 2017 - 02:10 PM

The Three Bears.........

Wouldn't you know it? Some bloomin' feminist has re-written "The 3 Bears"


A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.

'Who's been eating my porridge?' he cries.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mama Bear who got up first.
It was Mama Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mama Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mama Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mama Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mama Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mama Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE BLOODY PORRIDGE YET!!!'

jFqzH7SS3hPGAClzHcWa.gifjFqzH7SS3hPGAClzHcWa.gifjFqzH7SS3hPGAClzHcWa.gif


 


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#296 Cheating is strictly prohibited.

Posted by Ronald on 01 July 2018 - 09:53 AM

Cheating is strictly prohibited. Using  an Auto Clicker to amplify your scores will not be permitted here on Ronald's Arcade. Bare in mind that using any cheat method is not right to the members that play properly and gives you an unfair advantage in the Arcade. If we find any scores gained in this manner your scores will be removed and you will be questioned on how you achieved this scores. You may also be banned from Ronald's Arcade.


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#289 Loads of Laughs

Posted by Drew on 30 June 2018 - 02:02 AM

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.


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#14 Arcade reset dates

Posted by Ronald on 28 April 2017 - 06:52 PM

We will reset the Arcade Scores every three months, the HOF scores will always stay the same!

 

Our 1st reset will be :

 

June 1st, 2017

 

September 31st,2017

 

December 31st, 2017  7:00 pm Eastern Standard Time ( midnight 24:00 GMT )

 

March 30th, 2018 7:00 pm  Eastern Standard Time ( midnight 24:00 GMT )

 

June 30th, 2018 7:00 pm Eastern Standard Time ( midnight 24:00 GMT )

 

September 31st, 2018 7:00 pm Eastern Standard Time ( midnight 24:00 GMT )

 

December 31st, 2018  7:00 pm Eastern Standard Time ( midnight 24:00 GMT )


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#37 Facts and a lot of fiction

Posted by daffyd on 28 May 2017 - 02:26 PM

The most labour saving device ever, is a husband with loads of money.

We are all born free and taxed to death (now that's a fact)  I don't mind getting into hot water from time to time...it keeps me clean. Now here is a tip worth remembering.... If at first you DO succeed,  don't look astonished, flaunt it.

I've heard tell that smoking can kill you..... but funnily enough, it cures kippers (fact)

Be careful, be very careful, a problem shared is a gift to a gossip.

Many hands make light work...... but only if one of them knows how to change a fuse.

 

Poetic Justice; Poetic Justice is a hedgehog hibernating on an acupuncturist's armchair!

(Get my point?)


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#332 Hello !

Posted by Ronald on 18 July 2018 - 09:03 AM

Good morning..

 

Nice and cool and sunny out today, what a difference from a few days ago..

 

Attached File  happy-wednesday-morning-group-KD4Uo8-clipart.jpg   35.5KB   0 downloads

 

 


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#321 Hello !

Posted by Ronald on 08 July 2018 - 02:45 PM

Good afternoon, Ronald !

Have a lovely Sunday !

 

b44054a44538fc8754af8dfbe5090cd6.jpg

Afternoon,  love the lighthouse photo..


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#319 Hello !

Posted by Ronald on 07 July 2018 - 08:19 AM

Good morning, Saturday all ready, where'd the week go.


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#307 Hello !

Posted by Ronald on 02 July 2018 - 07:35 AM

Good Monday morning, darn hot and humid out there. Take it easy.


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#305 Hello !

Posted by Drew on 02 July 2018 - 02:52 AM

good  day to all ... enjoy


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#300 Welcome To Ronald's Arcade: snowpep

Posted by Ronald on 01 July 2018 - 10:54 PM

Hello and Welcome snowpep,

It is really nice that you have chosen to join our Ronald's Arcade Forum.
Please make yourself at home, and we shall look forward to seeing you around, playing some games, and hopefully participating on the items and posts we all share.


For your convenience, and in the event you forgot to bookmark our site, so here is our link: https://ronaldsarcade.com/
Please make an introduction in here: http://ronaldsarcade...rum/2-welcome/

You will need one (1) post, to start posting in the forum.

Thanks again for joining!

Ronald's Arcade

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#29 Ah think ah'm gonna like it here!

Posted by daffyd on 18 May 2017 - 02:45 PM

Well ah had me a mosey around  and found it was testing to navigate to various areas. But with a little more use and a few more posters we all could have us a noo place tuh visit. Thank you Ron!


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