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daffyd

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daffyd last won the day on August 2 2019

daffyd had the most liked content!

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  1. daffyd

    Forum Rules

    Ah'm with you....Boo-boo! (Ah got mah boy tuh read thu rules over tuh me. He got all the way tuh the sioxth grade!)
  2. daffyd

    Loads of Laughs

    A Snoring Solution The guys were all at a hunting camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night." .............................. ............................
  3. Well mah first attempt didn't work out.....but ah'll work on it! Stay with it as it is worth watching. Will make you smile, chuckle and laugh out loud. Enjoy. Here is a German trapeze couple who are somewhat different! www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=717211468307619&set=vb.234538950336&type=2&theater
  4. Now you need to supply the music, I'm sure you know the tune..... Julie Andrews Turning 79 - this is hysterical! To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City... Music Hall. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used: (Sing It!) - If you sing it out loud, it’s especially hysterical!!! All together..... SING....SING.... Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things. Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things. When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad. Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things. Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things. When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad. What a shower! Go back and do it again....
  5. daffyd

    Loads of Laughs

    The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart." "Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!" _________________
  6. daffyd

    Loads of Laughs

    Only in Texas mah friend...only in Texas..... allegedly. DEPUTY SHERIFF VS NEW YORK LAWYER A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff*s deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education th a n any cop from Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy*s expense. The deputy says, *License and registration, please.* *What for?* says the lawyer. The deputy says, *You didn*t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.* Then the lawyer says, *I slowed down, and no one was coming.* *You still didn*t come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.* The lawyer says, *What*s the difference?* *The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that*s the law . License and registration, please!* the Deputy says. Lawyer says, *If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I*ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don*t give me the ticket.* *That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,* the deputy says. At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, *Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?*
  7. daffyd

    Loads of Laughs

    A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car saleroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.' I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly gent as he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph. Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.' The man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.' 'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.
  8. daffyd

    Loads of Laughs

    Ooooooh, Oooooh, I was having terrible trouble with wind..... oooooh! I went to the doctor and told him I was having trouble with this persistent wind...... < < < < < < He gave me a Kite..............
  9. daffyd

    Loads of Laughs

    I'm after passing this on to yus, because it recently worked for me and we could all use a little more calm and understanding in our lives..... do you think? By following this simple advice I, meself, have found dat inner peace..... To find dat inner peace..... finish all the tings dat you have started, simple isn't it? So I looked around my house to see the things I had started but had not finished and before coming on here this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bodle of shhhhard-on-hey, a bidle of Bailey's, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha 'mainder of a battle of prozac ind volume, tha res of tha Chesskace, and a chox of boclates.......... Yu haf ni idear who..... (hic)..... gud I feel
  10. daffyd

    Loads of Laughs

    MEDICARE COVERAGE The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.' 'Mrs. Sanders, please.' 'Speaking.' 'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.' 'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. 'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.' 'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders. 'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.' 'Well, what am I supposed to do now?' 'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
  11. daffyd

    Loads of Laughs

    The Three Bears......... Wouldn't you know it? Some bloomin' feminist has re-written "The 3 Bears" A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning... Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he cries. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars. Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mama Bear who got up first. It was Mama Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mama Bear who made the coffee. It was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mama Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mama Bear who set the damn table. 'It was Mama Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water. 'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mama Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.... 'I HAVEN'T MADE THE BLOODY PORRIDGE YET!!!'
  12. daffyd

    Loads of Laughs

    A MAN WALKED INTO A SUPERMARKET WITH HIS ZIPPER DOWN. A LADY CASHIER WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID, 'YOUR BARRACKS DOOR IS OPEN'. NOT A PHRASE THAT MEN NORMALLY USE, HE WENT ON HIS WAY LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED. WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE SHOPPING, A MAN CAME UP AND SAID, 'YOUR FLY IS OPEN.' HE ZIPPED UP AND FINISHED HIS SHOPPING. AT THE CHECKOUT, HE INTENTIONALLY GOT IN THE LINE WHERE THE LADY WAS THAT TOLD HIM ABOUT HIS 'BARRACKS DOOR.' HE WAS PLANNING TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH HER, SO WHEN HE REACHED THE COUNTER HE SAID, 'WHEN YOU SAW MY BARRACKS DOOR OPEN, DID YOU SEE A MARINE STANDING IN THERE AT ATTENTION?' THE LADY (NATURALLY SMARTER THAN THE MAN) THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT AND SAID, 'NO, NO I DIDN'T. ALL I SAW WAS A SHORT, DISABLED VETERAN SITTING ON A COUPLE OF OLD DUFFEL BAGS'.
  13. Wise words (such as these) are oft spoken in jest, but many more foolish ones (shouted into an abyss) are spoken in earnest. (AHRRRRRGH) I am minded of a chef who boiled himself some hyena bones, and made himself a laughing stock. I have a question:- "Is the patron saint of football (soccer) .......St Off? (Now come on...think about it) Life's final score......- ...... when brain stops play! Another question....pay attention:- "Is a bigamist..... an Italian fog?" My earnest hope...... to give a polished performance so that other will take a shine to me. It is not easy being a sage..... you have to know your onions!
  14. The most labour saving device ever, is a husband with loads of money. We are all born free and taxed to death (now that's a fact) I don't mind getting into hot water from time to time...it keeps me clean. Now here is a tip worth remembering.... If at first you DO succeed, don't look astonished, flaunt it. I've heard tell that smoking can kill you..... but funnily enough, it cures kippers (fact) Be careful, be very careful, a problem shared is a gift to a gossip. Many hands make light work...... but only if one of them knows how to change a fuse. Poetic Justice; Poetic Justice is a hedgehog hibernating on an acupuncturist's armchair! (Get my point?)
  15. What we have got to realise is that these facilities produced and provided here for our amusement and entertainment (not to mention education ) are not presented by teams and teams of professionals. They are painstakenly created by individual(s) (Ron) so that you and I can relax and enjoy our leisure time. Remember amateurs built the ARK..... professionals built the Titanic! Some people (like myself) are like blisters they only appear when the work is finished. Well, it is up and running now so brothers and blisters it is up to you now!

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